


jeremy's a mess at sorting out his feelings

by Dis0rian



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Squip, Angst, Gay, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Pining Jeremy Heere, Self-Doubt, Unrequited Love, thanks i hate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 13:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16787566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dis0rian/pseuds/Dis0rian
Summary: Jeremy wants to slam his head into the fucking wall.He was such an idiot, such a fucking idiot to throw away his one chance. His only chance to confess to Michael and he fucked it up. He should’ve stopped, he should’ve just waited, but no, he had to confess. He had to fuck it up.----------------------------------In which the SQUIP incident never happened and Jeremy tries to sort out his feelings for his best friend.





	jeremy's a mess at sorting out his feelings

**Author's Note:**

> uhhh, have some angst lmao

Jeremy wants to slam his head into the fucking wall.

He was such an idiot, such a _fucking idiot _to throw away his one chance. His _only _chance to confess to Michael and he fucked it up. He should’ve stopped, he should’ve just waited, but no, he had to confess. He had to fuck it up. The realisation that hit him shouldn’t have made him realise this. Jeremy buried his face further into the already wet pillow.____

_____ _

_____ _

**“I’m sorry Jeremy, I-I understand t-that I’m gay, but I don’t t-think I’m into you. I’m sorry.” ******

********

Jeremy still can see Michael’s face, the surprised and the worried look that he gave him. Goddamn it, Jeremy shouldn’t have to make Michael worried, at least not for him. He somehow managed to swallow his despair and accept Michael’s rejection, trying to convince himself that he should move on. Pushing his feelings down wasn’t easy. Crying to himself that night, very much in the same position he was in now. He was pretty sure that if the Jeremy from then could see him now, crying about the same issue 3 months later, he would laugh. Whether in pity or in the hilariocity of the situation, he couldn’t tell. 

********

Jeremy would love to have forgotten that night, mainly because he felt the strain that it put on their friendship. The fact that Michael couldn’t look at him the same way, that their conversations got stilted and didn’t have the beat and rhythm of the friendship peak that he loved already sealed Jeremy’s concerns about Michael’s reaction. However, after that brief awkward phase, they slowly grew back into the friendship, with Jeremy suppressing the flutter in his heart every time Michael did something adorable, which if you saw Michael the same way Jeremy did, you would’ve known how hard it was. He was successful, convincing Michael that he was over him. Well, today, during their weekly gaming sleepover, Jeremy fucked up. Less than an hour ago, Michael absolutely cracked up at some stupid joke Jeremy made. With the dimples on his face, messy hair, pure joy in his eyes, and his flushed cheeks, Jeremy nearly pulled him by the collar and kissed him. The only reason he didn’t was because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Feeling his eyes start to well with tears, Jeremy quickly stood up and ran out of the basement and out of the front door, leaving Michael dazed and confused. He opened the door to his house (that was next door), ignored his Dad’s questions on why he was home early, and hid in his room, making sure to lock the door. He whimpered into his pillow, releasing the pent up feelings that he had tried to suppress for so long. 

********

********

He probably was just needy. A clingy, un-accepting of rejection, mess of a loser who can’t even sort his own feelings for Michael, so why would he even deserve Michael? What was the point of wondering if things could’ve gone differently, when he knows that he had no chance? He doesn’t deserve Michael. Those wonderful soft eyes, cuddly body, hair that he needs to run his hand through, and that fucking cute way he gets excited over some out of print game or cancelled soda. Michael was not perfect, but Jeremy didn’t care. He was perfect for hi-

********

Before Jeremy could finish his thoughts, a loud knock sounded on his door.

********

“Jeremy? Jeremy? Are you okay? Did...did something happen between you and Michael? He’s downstairs, I’ve let him in but...He wants to see you. Please kiddo, open the door.” Jeremy’s dad continued to knock on the door. 

********

Reluctantly, Jeremy opened the door. Behind his dad, he could see Michael at the front of the staircase, staring at him in worry. Jeremy sighed and walked back to his bed, sitting on the edge. Michael took the hint and ran up the stairs to join him.

********

“Uh...you kids sort this out.” And with a good luck thumbs up, Jeremy’s dad left, shutting the door carefully behind him.

********

Jeremy refused to look in Michael’s eyes.

********

“Jeremy? What happened? A-are you okay?” Michael asked, moving his hand over to grab Jeremy’s.

********

Jeremy jerked his hand away.

********

“O-okay, no holding. Got it.” 

********

The silence between them was uncomfortable to say the least. Michael, feeling the weight of the awkward conversation, cleared his throat.

********

“Listen Jeremy, I’m sor-”

********

“It’s not your fault.”

********

Michael’s eyebrows furrowed in worry upon hearing the low tone of Jeremy’s voice.

********

“What is it? W-was it because I stole that last piece of gum? The prank where I s-switched your controller with a third party one? Did I insult you? Jeremy, please just tell me.”

********

Jeremy hesitated for a while before answering.

********

“Don’t worry about me Michael. I’m fine, trust me. It....It was something stupid, just forget about it. I’m fine.”

********

Jeremy didn’t need to look at Michael to know that he doesn’t believe him.

********

“Jeremy,” Michael began, “You don’t have to lie to me. I’m y-your best friend. At least, I hope. I won’t tell anyone, not even your dad, not anyone. Just tell me. I won’t treat you differently, I swear.”

********

Jeremy tilted his head up. Michael had tears leaking out of his eyes and he looks so worried, so fucking concerned, for _him _.__

____

____

********

_He deserves the truth. ___

____

____

********

Jeremy pulled Michael by his collar and leant in, letting their lips touch. He felt Michael’s lips twitch in confusion, but Michael didn’t move away. In fact, Jeremy would’ve sworn that Michael was kissing back slightly. Jeremy pulled back, looking at Michael’s face, searching for any sign of emotion. Disgust, joy, sadness, Jeremy would take anything for closure.

********

Michael’s face was blank. He was blushing madly, but there was nothing for Jeremy to find.

********

“I’m sorry Michael, I-I s-shouldn’t have, I’m s-so sorry, you pro-”

********

“Jeremy,” Michael started, “I...I’m not sure what to say. I n-need time to s-sort this out. I...I think I liked that. I’m not sure anymore.”

********

“That’s alright.”

********

And in the quiet of that late night, despite the heavy conversation and the fact that their friendship will never be the same, for better or for worse, Jeremy’s heart lightened.

********

If he had a choice, he would do it all over again, just to kiss Michael one more time.

********

**Author's Note:**

> yikes that took way longer than i expected
> 
> anyways, have this piece of trash that i call a 'first story'
> 
> let me know if there's any errors, grammatical or not
> 
> as always, i would appreciate critiques


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